An invitation to share one of your "Gifts of Hindsight".
Gift of Hindsight: A past experience which caused you pain, that you're now grateful for, and are forever changed (with gratitude) as a result. ~Stacy Lew
Share yours!
How one of my greatest character defects became a huge ASSET.
One of mine... I struggled for many years with anger. Anger which caused many problems for me; mentally, spiritually, physically and emotionally. It affected every one of my relationships. I tried everything to get a "grip" on my anger. Therapy, medication, anger-management, counting to ten, deep breathing, more therapy, books, yoga...you name it, I tried it. I was miserable. My anger actually scared people! My daughter included.
It wasn't until I stopped trying to treat the "anger" and recognized that the anger was actually a symptom of something deeper, that I was able to make any progress. That didn't happen until after my 40th birthday. But it did happen. I uncovered what was underneath all the anger. There were layers upon layers of pain. Pain I never felt and clearly never wanted to. I did, however, want to be rid of the anger. So I began the process of first, identifying my feelings, (which was a feat in and of itself), and then set out to process them.
For me, identifying a feeling"other than anger, was extremely difficult. When asked, "how does that make you feel?", I responded with, "I think it makes..." and was cut off immediately. She'd ask again. And I'd answer, "I think it makes", BAM! She cut me off again! Now I'm getting pissed. So I say, "I'm ANGRY!". To which she replies, "I don't want you using the words anger or angry, and Stacy, you're going to need to "feel" your way into a feeling, NOT, think your way there." That was like taking a bullet. So, it was a process. A long one.
What happened? I softened. At first this scared me. I thought, what the hell? Am I gonna turn into a p*$$y?! Then I laughed and realized I can't become something I'm not. What I am, what I was and what I always will be is a loving, caring and compassionate individual. The difference being, I was no longer consumed with fear, self-doubt, and pain.
Yes, I struggled for years. Yes, I hurt and was hurt in the process. Would I change anything? Absolutely not! My anger became one of my greatest blessings. It allowed me to access the deeper parts of my "self", which gave me freedom from the many things that kept me in bondage. Co-dependence being one of the major culprits. I found my purpose and passion through my pain, helping others. There is no greater gift. I am eternally grateful.
Principles BEFORE Personalities. I had no idea how powerful three words could be until they infiltrated my life like a tsunami.
All was right in my world. I had a successful business, was married, had a happy, well-adjusted child, step-children, and was a friend to many. When I threw a party, all were welcome, and they came. Life was good, or so it seemed.
“They” say if you walk the path towards enlightenment that the road gets narrow.
When I first heard these words, my response was, “what road? And “what the hell are you saying to me?”. I now know what those words mean and the road I travel has narrowed quite a bit. You see, there used to be many travelers on the road with me, many of which, I intuitively knew shouldn’t be “driving”. I kept them on the road anyway. I now know who to keep on the road with me, although, the lesson was quite painful.
I spent about two years living in what I refer to as the dark part of the tunnel before I got the courage to leave my marriage. Prior to that, I had confided in a few “friends” what was going on. This was something that was very hard for me to do. Why?
1. Trusting people, especially women, is something I have had difficulty with since I was a young woman.
2. Being Vulnerable 101 wasn’t taught in my house, so sharing what’s “inside” me is severely uncomfortable.
In the end I chose three women who had been vulnerable with me figuring if they can trust me with their vulnerability then I could trust them with mine. Boy, was I wrong.
Friend #1: Turned her back on me completely. Stating, it was too much for her.
Friend #2: Made my problem about her and compared what I was going through with my husband, to her past and somehow twisted my problem to mean I must be judging her.
Friend #3: Judged me for being so up in arms about the whole thing.
The irony. I never turned my back on Friend #1 at any point in our friendship. I was there for her always. Did more for this friend than I did for any other friend. I don’t even know what to say about Friend #2. As for Friend #3, what hurt the most is that she judged me for being hurt over things she personally had been hurt over time and time again and shared with me time and time again.
What happened? I shut down. I spoke to no-one. I went into the tunnel and trusted nobody. I had been going through some really emotionally painful experiences and had nobody to share them with. Nobody to trust. As time went on, more was revealed and I shared with nobody.
The saddest part, at the time, is that nobody came looking for me. I had been a friend to so many people yet nobody came looking. Nobody wondered? Where’s Stacy? I was a vivacious personality. One that added much, but apparently, not as much as I thought.
Things got worse and finally, I got the courage to leave. And I still wondered, why would they let me fall? Why would they all let me do this alone? I’ve been there for each and every one of them.
When the gossip started, I knew they would call. They didn’t.
When they heard what he did, I knew they would be there for me. They weren’t.
I screamed to myself, “what happened to principles before personalities!!!”. I was so hurt, alone, resentful, afraid, angry, and sad. I felt rejected, thrown away, abandoned, invisible, unimportant, and used.
I just didn’t understand. I never hurt any of them, and wouldn’t. But they intentionally left me out. Who does that?
And the road got narrower…
I had a horrific accident, almost lost my life. Exactly one month later, my father passed away suddenly. And then something happened. I began to focus on the ones the DO show up.
It suddenly occurred to me that principles before personalities has nothing to do with their principles. It has EVERYTHING to do with MINE. I’m the one who has to put my principles before their personalities. I had it backwards this entire time. I have to practice humility, and be willing to accept people as they are. I’m the one who has to have faith, courage and persevere in times of trouble. I have to disregard whether others are being honest and just be honest myself. It’s about me, period. As soon as I saw this truth, I was freed. Freed from the self created hell I had been living in for three years.
From that moment on, I have been able to go anywhere, be around anyone and walk into any room with my shoulders back and my head held tall. I understand that not everyone is going to like me. Not everyone is going to live the way I live or do what I believe is the right thing. All I can control is me. I choose to live my life with integrity, honesty and truth. If I’m wrong, I will say I’m wrong. The same is true about forgiveness, I am free to forgive today. I have been wronged by many, most of which have never righted those wrongs. I forgive all of them. Forgiveness is for me, not for them.
Forgiveness is letting go of the hope of having a better past.
Why is forgiveness for me? Because walking around with a resentment is like drinking the poison and hoping the other person will die. I choose not to drink the poison. I want to be free. Today, I am free. Free to trust, free to love, free to give, free to receive, and I would be none of these things if I didn’t forgive. I would be none of these things if I didn’t take responsibility for ME.
I’m often asked, “How do you journal? What do you write down? How do you start? Where do you start?” And so on.
At this juncture in my life, it just seems natural. Hindsight being what it is, I realize that wasn’t always the case. I can remember the day it was suggested I start journaling. That was almost 17 years ago.
I was sitting with a mentor of mine and I must have been staring off into space when he startled me by asking this question. “What are you thinking about?” At that moment, I didn’t have a response. I had NO idea how to respond. I genuinely had no clue what I was thinking about. I must have had 492 different thoughts going through my mind at that moment! How on earth do I pick one random thought out of 492 thoughts?! So naturally I replied with, “nothing, why?”. He said, “because you looked like you were so deep in thought, you were staring off into space, very serious looking, like you were about to solve the problems of the world!”. I said, “not quite, if anything, I feel “spun””, which makes sense considering the state of my mind and the tornado of thoughts going through it at the time.
Here is where the tremendous power of suggestion saved my life and has continued to do so for close to 17 years since then. Jeff suggested I do what I now refer to as a “mind dump”. You see, I’m one of those people that can’t let go of what I’m thinking for fear I may forget to do or to say or to remember whatever it is I’m thinking about. It doesn’t matter how mundane it may be. He suggested I take out a piece of paper and dump all of those thoughts on paper so they are in a safe place, which would allow my mind to free up for NEW thought. So I did what he suggested. I started writing.
I wrote. I spun out my laundry list of thoughts. I needed to yell at my husband for what he didn’t do last Thursday and the fact that every time I walk through the door his ass is on the couch while there’s shit to get done all over the house, I need to go to target and get office supplies, and I forgot the dog food. The laundry needs to get done, and of course I’m the only one that knows how to separate clothes and put them in the fucken washer. I need to make a doctors appointment, a dentist appointment and get new glasses. I think I should paint the house blue, no, it doesn’t need to get painted, plus it was painted two years ago, actually, it WAS painted two years ago!! I need to call those painters and give them a piece of my mind. I really need to get my car washed, it’s disgusting. I can’t believe my daughter is dating that guy, I really don’t like him, he’s such a loser. Why on earth did I agree to have this party, am I the only one in this entire world that can entertain these people, for fucks sake! I’m so sick and tired of being the only one that raises my hand for this shit. It’s really getting old. Okay, okay, so I volunteered, that’s on me. I need to stop raising my fucken hand. I’m overwhelmed, overworked, overtired, and I’m fat! I really need to get my fat ass to the gym, drink more water, eat healthy. How many times do I need to have this damn conversation with myself. This too is getting old. Speaking of OLD, I’m getting OLD! Why is it that I feel 25, what is that, I never feel any older in my mind, but look in the fucken mirror and BAM! Shit man. I wonder if that bitch from junior high school got fat? I sure hope so. Zippity fucken doo dah! Truth is. I have so much to be grateful for. I’m overwhelmed over a great job, a great life, an amazing kid that I have a phenomenal relationship with, and great friends that want to come to my home. I’m healthy, happy and have a tremendous amount of joy and I guess I wouldn’t have come to this conclusion if I didn’t go on this rant about nonsense. I feel much better now. Thanks for listening.
So, that’s an example of a mindless brain dump. They always lead somewhere. I always write to someone or something. I personally write to God, I believe in Him. Others, write to the Universe, a loved one who’s passed over, their dog. It doesn’t matter. Just write to something other than yourself. It’s been my experience that self doesn’t reveal self to self.
My journal entries look like this.
February 3, 2018 Saturday
Hi God,
So last night I went to dinner with…
I’m feeling really overwhelmed right now. I have so much on my plate. I think___, feel____, have to do____, need to say_____
I don’t have much to report. I had a good day at work although I did get a little annoyed when….
I hope this helps anyone who has struggled with getting started with journaling. I have found writing to be invaluable in my journey to self awareness. Writing has offered me clarity, new perspective, inspiration, spiritual awareness, hope, newfound purpose and so much more.
If you have any questions or just need help getting started, please feel free to email me at stacy@giftsofhindsight.com.
I didn’t grow up with God. Nobody ever mentioned “Him” in my house. Once a year my Dad went to temple on Yom Kippur, but still, no mention of God. I heard people talk of Him, and even describe Him as this old man with a long white beard that hung out at the gates of heaven and determined whether or not, when your time came, you’d be let in. That didn’t resonate with me, at all.
What I did know, is that I had a feeling deep inside me that there was something, something bigger than “me”. I would experience this feeling anytime I was on the back of a horse, or in nature. Anytime I would be at the beach, mesmerized by the magnificence of the ocean or watching the sun disappear behind the horizon. There’s magic in nature, I felt it. Who created it all? I wondered. But that was as far as I went.
Until I met Tracy. I was 30 years old and going through a really difficult time in my life. She was telling me to trust in God. I was telling her to shove it where the sun don’t shine. I don’t believe in “your” God. To my surprise, she laughed and said, “Stacy, the kingdom of God is within”. Of course, being the ornery person that I was, I responded with “What the hell are you saying to me?!. Are you trying to tell me that God is inside me?” She replied, “yes, that’s exactly what I’m telling you”. This just irritated me. I was thinking I’m talking to some religious freak and I want nothing to do with religion or freaks.
A few minutes later, I had an Ahhh Haaa moment. I thought, maybe, just maybe, if the kingdom of God is within me, then the kingdom of God is also within her and perhaps God is speaking to me through Tracy. Then I thought of all the times I would “find” the right words when someone came to me for advice OR vice versa. Is that the God within? The times when I run into the perfect person at the perfect place at the right and perfect time. One thought led to the next and before long I was full of hope, light, love and faith. My mood, outlook, everything had been transformed.
One meeting with one stranger completely shifted my perspective, for a lifetime.
From that moment on, I stopped relying on trees, the ocean, the moon and the stars for inspiration and started relying on my instincts. My instincts have never steered me in the wrong direction. To the contrary, anytime I have ignored that “feeling” in my gut, I have been disappointed. I still see God in the beauty of nature, the sound of the wind, the birds song and in every sunset. I just rely on the God within for direction. I rely on the God within all of you for clarity.
This, coming from a girl who didn’t have a God to begin with. Today, I have a very loving, caring, giving, available God who wants me to be happy, joyous and free. And I am.
Matters not if there’s a light at the end or not, or whether it may or may not be a train. What matters is whether I choose to live in the light while surrounded by darkness or walk into the darkness in search of the light. ~Stacy Lew THE TUNNEL When you’re at the darkest part of the […]
