An invitation to share one of your "Gifts of Hindsight".
Gift of Hindsight: A past experience which caused you pain, that you're now grateful for, and are forever changed (with gratitude) as a result. ~Stacy Lew
Share yours!
How one of my greatest character defects became a huge ASSET.
One of mine... I struggled for many years with anger. Anger which caused many problems for me; mentally, spiritually, physically and emotionally. It affected every one of my relationships. I tried everything to get a "grip" on my anger. Therapy, medication, anger-management, counting to ten, deep breathing, more therapy, books, yoga...you name it, I tried it. I was miserable. My anger actually scared people! My daughter included.
It wasn't until I stopped trying to treat the "anger" and recognized that the anger was actually a symptom of something deeper, that I was able to make any progress. That didn't happen until after my 40th birthday. But it did happen. I uncovered what was underneath all the anger. There were layers upon layers of pain. Pain I never felt and clearly never wanted to. I did, however, want to be rid of the anger. So I began the process of first, identifying my feelings, (which was a feat in and of itself), and then set out to process them.
For me, identifying a feeling"other than anger, was extremely difficult. When asked, "how does that make you feel?", I responded with, "I think it makes..." and was cut off immediately. She'd ask again. And I'd answer, "I think it makes", BAM! She cut me off again! Now I'm getting pissed. So I say, "I'm ANGRY!". To which she replies, "I don't want you using the words anger or angry, and Stacy, you're going to need to "feel" your way into a feeling, NOT, think your way there." That was like taking a bullet. So, it was a process. A long one.
What happened? I softened. At first this scared me. I thought, what the hell? Am I gonna turn into a p*$$y?! Then I laughed and realized I can't become something I'm not. What I am, what I was and what I always will be is a loving, caring and compassionate individual. The difference being, I was no longer consumed with fear, self-doubt, and pain.
Yes, I struggled for years. Yes, I hurt and was hurt in the process. Would I change anything? Absolutely not! My anger became one of my greatest blessings. It allowed me to access the deeper parts of my "self", which gave me freedom from the many things that kept me in bondage. Co-dependence being one of the major culprits. I found my purpose and passion through my pain, helping others. There is no greater gift. I am eternally grateful.
Principles BEFORE Personalities. I had no idea how powerful three words could be until they infiltrated my life like a tsunami.
All was right in my world. I had a successful business, was married, had a happy, well-adjusted child, step-children, and was a friend to many. When I threw a party, all were welcome, and they came. Life was good, or so it seemed.
“They” say if you walk the path towards enlightenment that the road gets narrow.
When I first heard these words, my response was, “what road? And “what the hell are you saying to me?”. I now know what those words mean and the road I travel has narrowed quite a bit. You see, there used to be many travelers on the road with me, many of which, I intuitively knew shouldn’t be “driving”. I kept them on the road anyway. I now know who to keep on the road with me, although, the lesson was quite painful.
I spent about two years living in what I refer to as the dark part of the tunnel before I got the courage to leave my marriage. Prior to that, I had confided in a few “friends” what was going on. This was something that was very hard for me to do. Why?
1. Trusting people, especially women, is something I have had difficulty with since I was a young woman.
2. Being Vulnerable 101 wasn’t taught in my house, so sharing what’s “inside” me is severely uncomfortable.
In the end I chose three women who had been vulnerable with me figuring if they can trust me with their vulnerability then I could trust them with mine. Boy, was I wrong.
Friend #1: Turned her back on me completely. Stating, it was too much for her.
Friend #2: Made my problem about her and compared what I was going through with my husband, to her past and somehow twisted my problem to mean I must be judging her.
Friend #3: Judged me for being so up in arms about the whole thing.
The irony. I never turned my back on Friend #1 at any point in our friendship. I was there for her always. Did more for this friend than I did for any other friend. I don’t even know what to say about Friend #2. As for Friend #3, what hurt the most is that she judged me for being hurt over things she personally had been hurt over time and time again and shared with me time and time again.
What happened? I shut down. I spoke to no-one. I went into the tunnel and trusted nobody. I had been going through some really emotionally painful experiences and had nobody to share them with. Nobody to trust. As time went on, more was revealed and I shared with nobody.
The saddest part, at the time, is that nobody came looking for me. I had been a friend to so many people yet nobody came looking. Nobody wondered? Where’s Stacy? I was a vivacious personality. One that added much, but apparently, not as much as I thought.
Things got worse and finally, I got the courage to leave. And I still wondered, why would they let me fall? Why would they all let me do this alone? I’ve been there for each and every one of them.
When the gossip started, I knew they would call. They didn’t.
When they heard what he did, I knew they would be there for me. They weren’t.
I screamed to myself, “what happened to principles before personalities!!!”. I was so hurt, alone, resentful, afraid, angry, and sad. I felt rejected, thrown away, abandoned, invisible, unimportant, and used.
I just didn’t understand. I never hurt any of them, and wouldn’t. But they intentionally left me out. Who does that?
And the road got narrower…
I had a horrific accident, almost lost my life. Exactly one month later, my father passed away suddenly. And then something happened. I began to focus on the ones the DO show up.
It suddenly occurred to me that principles before personalities has nothing to do with their principles. It has EVERYTHING to do with MINE. I’m the one who has to put my principles before their personalities. I had it backwards this entire time. I have to practice humility, and be willing to accept people as they are. I’m the one who has to have faith, courage and persevere in times of trouble. I have to disregard whether others are being honest and just be honest myself. It’s about me, period. As soon as I saw this truth, I was freed. Freed from the self created hell I had been living in for three years.
From that moment on, I have been able to go anywhere, be around anyone and walk into any room with my shoulders back and my head held tall. I understand that not everyone is going to like me. Not everyone is going to live the way I live or do what I believe is the right thing. All I can control is me. I choose to live my life with integrity, honesty and truth. If I’m wrong, I will say I’m wrong. The same is true about forgiveness, I am free to forgive today. I have been wronged by many, most of which have never righted those wrongs. I forgive all of them. Forgiveness is for me, not for them.
Forgiveness is letting go of the hope of having a better past.
Why is forgiveness for me? Because walking around with a resentment is like drinking the poison and hoping the other person will die. I choose not to drink the poison. I want to be free. Today, I am free. Free to trust, free to love, free to give, free to receive, and I would be none of these things if I didn’t forgive. I would be none of these things if I didn’t take responsibility for ME.
I’m often asked, “How do you journal? What do you write down? How do you start? Where do you start?” And so on.
At this juncture in my life, it just seems natural. Hindsight being what it is, I realize that wasn’t always the case. I can remember the day it was suggested I start journaling. That was almost 17 years ago.
I was sitting with a mentor of mine and I must have been staring off into space when he startled me by asking this question. “What are you thinking about?” At that moment, I didn’t have a response. I had NO idea how to respond. I genuinely had no clue what I was thinking about. I must have had 492 different thoughts going through my mind at that moment! How on earth do I pick one random thought out of 492 thoughts?! So naturally I replied with, “nothing, why?”. He said, “because you looked like you were so deep in thought, you were staring off into space, very serious looking, like you were about to solve the problems of the world!”. I said, “not quite, if anything, I feel “spun””, which makes sense considering the state of my mind and the tornado of thoughts going through it at the time.
Here is where the tremendous power of suggestion saved my life and has continued to do so for close to 17 years since then. Jeff suggested I do what I now refer to as a “mind dump”. You see, I’m one of those people that can’t let go of what I’m thinking for fear I may forget to do or to say or to remember whatever it is I’m thinking about. It doesn’t matter how mundane it may be. He suggested I take out a piece of paper and dump all of those thoughts on paper so they are in a safe place, which would allow my mind to free up for NEW thought. So I did what he suggested. I started writing.
I wrote. I spun out my laundry list of thoughts. I needed to yell at my husband for what he didn’t do last Thursday and the fact that every time I walk through the door his ass is on the couch while there’s shit to get done all over the house, I need to go to target and get office supplies, and I forgot the dog food. The laundry needs to get done, and of course I’m the only one that knows how to separate clothes and put them in the fucken washer. I need to make a doctors appointment, a dentist appointment and get new glasses. I think I should paint the house blue, no, it doesn’t need to get painted, plus it was painted two years ago, actually, it WAS painted two years ago!! I need to call those painters and give them a piece of my mind. I really need to get my car washed, it’s disgusting. I can’t believe my daughter is dating that guy, I really don’t like him, he’s such a loser. Why on earth did I agree to have this party, am I the only one in this entire world that can entertain these people, for fucks sake! I’m so sick and tired of being the only one that raises my hand for this shit. It’s really getting old. Okay, okay, so I volunteered, that’s on me. I need to stop raising my fucken hand. I’m overwhelmed, overworked, overtired, and I’m fat! I really need to get my fat ass to the gym, drink more water, eat healthy. How many times do I need to have this damn conversation with myself. This too is getting old. Speaking of OLD, I’m getting OLD! Why is it that I feel 25, what is that, I never feel any older in my mind, but look in the fucken mirror and BAM! Shit man. I wonder if that bitch from junior high school got fat? I sure hope so. Zippity fucken doo dah! Truth is. I have so much to be grateful for. I’m overwhelmed over a great job, a great life, an amazing kid that I have a phenomenal relationship with, and great friends that want to come to my home. I’m healthy, happy and have a tremendous amount of joy and I guess I wouldn’t have come to this conclusion if I didn’t go on this rant about nonsense. I feel much better now. Thanks for listening.
So, that’s an example of a mindless brain dump. They always lead somewhere. I always write to someone or something. I personally write to God, I believe in Him. Others, write to the Universe, a loved one who’s passed over, their dog. It doesn’t matter. Just write to something other than yourself. It’s been my experience that self doesn’t reveal self to self.
My journal entries look like this.
February 3, 2018 Saturday
Hi God,
So last night I went to dinner with…
I’m feeling really overwhelmed right now. I have so much on my plate. I think___, feel____, have to do____, need to say_____
I don’t have much to report. I had a good day at work although I did get a little annoyed when….
I hope this helps anyone who has struggled with getting started with journaling. I have found writing to be invaluable in my journey to self awareness. Writing has offered me clarity, new perspective, inspiration, spiritual awareness, hope, newfound purpose and so much more.
If you have any questions or just need help getting started, please feel free to email me at stacy@giftsofhindsight.com.
I didn’t grow up with God. Nobody ever mentioned “Him” in my house. Once a year my Dad went to temple on Yom Kippur, but still, no mention of God. I heard people talk of Him, and even describe Him as this old man with a long white beard that hung out at the gates of heaven and determined whether or not, when your time came, you’d be let in. That didn’t resonate with me, at all.
What I did know, is that I had a feeling deep inside me that there was something, something bigger than “me”. I would experience this feeling anytime I was on the back of a horse, or in nature. Anytime I would be at the beach, mesmerized by the magnificence of the ocean or watching the sun disappear behind the horizon. There’s magic in nature, I felt it. Who created it all? I wondered. But that was as far as I went.
Until I met Tracy. I was 30 years old and going through a really difficult time in my life. She was telling me to trust in God. I was telling her to shove it where the sun don’t shine. I don’t believe in “your” God. To my surprise, she laughed and said, “Stacy, the kingdom of God is within”. Of course, being the ornery person that I was, I responded with “What the hell are you saying to me?!. Are you trying to tell me that God is inside me?” She replied, “yes, that’s exactly what I’m telling you”. This just irritated me. I was thinking I’m talking to some religious freak and I want nothing to do with religion or freaks.
A few minutes later, I had an Ahhh Haaa moment. I thought, maybe, just maybe, if the kingdom of God is within me, then the kingdom of God is also within her and perhaps God is speaking to me through Tracy. Then I thought of all the times I would “find” the right words when someone came to me for advice OR vice versa. Is that the God within? The times when I run into the perfect person at the perfect place at the right and perfect time. One thought led to the next and before long I was full of hope, light, love and faith. My mood, outlook, everything had been transformed.
One meeting with one stranger completely shifted my perspective, for a lifetime.
From that moment on, I stopped relying on trees, the ocean, the moon and the stars for inspiration and started relying on my instincts. My instincts have never steered me in the wrong direction. To the contrary, anytime I have ignored that “feeling” in my gut, I have been disappointed. I still see God in the beauty of nature, the sound of the wind, the birds song and in every sunset. I just rely on the God within for direction. I rely on the God within all of you for clarity.
This, coming from a girl who didn’t have a God to begin with. Today, I have a very loving, caring, giving, available God who wants me to be happy, joyous and free. And I am.
“Courage is, honoring your truth in the face of disappointment, fear, rejection and/or disapproval.” ~Stacy Lew
What does it mean to “Honor One’s Truth”? Four years ago, I hadn’t a clue. I was too busy honoring yours, my husbands, my father-in-laws, societies, my parents, their parents, my peers, the media’s, my daughters, the voice in my damn head that I didn’t have a clue what my own truth was!
Shit man, for a long time I thought my favorite color was purple! Why, because it was the color of amethyst and the meaning of amethyst was serenity… so I convinced myself that purple was the one. Bullshit! I can’t stand purple. My favorite color is burnt orange.
Funny thing is I had always prided myself on being so honest. Brutally honest they called it. I agreed. Come to realize, I’ve been a liar the majority of my life.
Childhood:
I'd ask Dad, while he'd be sitting on the couch, in his robe, with remote in hand if he and I could go somewhere, do something. His usual reply was, “Not today, I have to go to the office, I have work to do!” In an angry tone as though I'd asked for a million dollars. I’d make other plans only to come home hours later to Dad sitting on the same couch, in the same robe, holding the same remote. This made me feel all sorts of “feelings”, angry, rejected, unimportant, unwanted, unloved. Did I speak up? Did I honor my truth? NO. So the voice in my head got louder, saying it was, in fact, all about me, that I was, indeed, unlovable, unwanted, and unimportant. Naturally, I became very angry and began building what became years of resentments. Toward Dad and toward anyone that reminded me of him.
It was later, much later, while talking to this same man who was now my best friend, my confidante, my greatest teacher and my safe place, that I discovered the truth. That he sat on that couch all day beating himself up for not going to work. He never enjoyed the moment he was in, and that it had nothing to do with me. Had I not had the courage to ask for what I wanted, I never would have known how much of a Daddy's Girl I really am. That I was created in the image and likeness of him.
The last seven years of his life, were the greatest I have known. And although he was taken, suddenly, on June 25th, 2015, there was no truth left unspoken. I was loved, wanted, needed and very important to Him and He was loved, wanted, needed and equally as important to me. What a gift.
High School:
“Stacy, would you mind driving all of us to lunch?” ME:"Sure, no problem”. TRUTH: It was a problem, I knew they were using me, I knew I would lose my parking space and I knew this bothered me a great deal. Yet, I agreed to drive. I wanted to be a part of. I wanted to be included. I knew the only way to guarantee myself a seat in the car was to be the driver. I wasn’t wanted or loved, I was needed. I was being used, yet I later discovered that I, too, was using them. Perhaps if I would have spoken up, I would have gained the self-respect that's necessary to command respect in return. Instead, I succumbed to worrying about what they thought, what they needed, whether they felt loved and accepted...by me. None of which mattered. My actions made it so they could feel none of that. It took me a very long time to learn this lesson, I endured years of pain and anguish worrying about what others thought, felt and did. Today, I worry about what I think, feel and do. The byproduct is self-respect, confidence, esteem and no longer attracting those who would prefer my vehicle over my company.
Adult:
Me talking to ME, My"SELF " & I. Conversations which usually included subject matter like...“you’re a loser because you didn't finish college You’re too fat. You haven’t done enough. You’re not doing enough. You’re lazy. You’re ugly. You missed your calling. Nobody can be trusted. All women are gossiping, backstabbing, bitches. You will never realize your potential. You're an idiot. The list of “truths” go on and on. But who’s truth was it? Where did I get this information? The day I recognized it wasn't my voice I was hearing was the day I was set free. I stopped listening to the voices of society, my parents, grandparents, peers, and the media and started listening to ME. I found I loved who I am, what I believe, what I stand for, and that I don't agree with the majority of the voices I heard.
It was a long road to my truth. I had to stop and ask myself this question. “What do “I” believe?” For example, do I actually believe that if I go swimming after I eat that I will get sick? NO! Yet, I'd listen to my mothers voice, which was her mothers voice and so on, and not swim until my food had digested. I tested this “age old TRUTH”, guess what, I can eat and go swimming. I can even, ready for this…go out in the rain, get wet and NOT CATCH A COLD! Holy shit! There are so many “truths” that I was carrying with me that were destroying me. Like, the guilt that went along with not sending a thank you card after opening a gift in front of the fucking person that gave it to me. I THANKED THEM IN PERSON. Seriously?! Guess what, I don’t send thank you cards.
Today, I define what is appropriate TO ME. I even say, “NO”. “Stacy, will you pick me up from LAX at 5pm during rush hour traffic tomorrow?” ME: “Ugh, NO. I will, however, help you arrange a shuttle.”
So, this is merely the beginning of the what, who, and why, the purpose behind my blog. To show and inspire others to do what I have done, find and honor your truth. Don’t lie. To yourself or to “them”. There is no reason to say, “I can’t pick you up from the airport because I’m already committed” and in your mind you’re saying, “ I’m not lying, I’m planning on watching T.V., doing my hair or picking my toenails”. You’re a liar. I was too. My people pleasing nearly killed me.
New motto. PEOPLE PLEASE NO MORE! Give them the right and honor to have a feeling. If they have a hurt feeling, feel rejected, unloved, unworthy or think you’re an asshole…so be it. What matters is that you were honest. What matters is that you honored yourself and your truth. What matters is THE TRUTH and the truth is, you didn’t reject, stop loving or determine the person was unworthy, you simply have no desire to sit in fucking traffic for hours on end to pick their ass up. It’s about you, not them. Stop making it about them!
Thanks for sharing. I too used to think that I was brutally honest too… Turns out I was just being mean, acting out because of my personal pain over being put up for adoption… My quest for my truth started in 1997 and it seems it’s kinda like an onion… The more honest I became, the more I realized that my perception was a liar and I still had work to do. 20 years later I am comfortable in my own skin, and I still question my perception and it keeps me humble… (And hopefully teachable;) I read your posts and I thank you for honesty, courage and your strength….. It gives me hope for myself…
Thank you for sharing your truth. I value humility, honesty, vulnerability. It represents strength, courage and inspiration. The more we share what’s real inside our hearts, what’s “really” going on, the safer we make it for others to do the same. Thank you, thank you all for your posts.
I fucking love this, and you. You are one of my most treasured friends, even though I don’t see you often, the connection is always there. Thank you for sharing this, it’s right where I am at right now, I am a liar too. I am struggling to tell the truth. Evasive I don’t want to be mean. So instead I suffer. I needed to hear this and hope to gain the same strength that you have through this process.
Yes, connection, it has always been there. You are such a beautiful, strong, spiritual woman. I admire you. Being honest isn’t mean, it’s taking care of yourself. The first lesson I learned was to take care of myself even if the other person may feel, “rejected, hurt, disappointed or angry”. It doesn’t mean I’m actually “rejecting” them or the like. I’m simply choosing to take care of me. I’m choosing to no longer be co-dependent. I love you.
Stacey,
Thank you for sharing some deep and real feelings and experiences. Your courage and walking in spirit has always been an inspiration to me. Our lives have somehow paralleled over the years. As I sit here and reflect what a month it’s been. The recent courages decision I had to make, because I got honest and truthful with myself. I have graduated to the next journey whatever Creator has in store for me. In the world people may see a single divorced women, but in spirit I walk with my guardian angels and my beautiful Rio. The freedom of spirit and belief in myself, keeps my moccasins on this Red Road and as a beautiful Warrior also!
I love you beautiful and thank you for your blog.
Yes, you are a beautiful Warrior and I am grateful to be journeying alongside you. Thank you for your kind words and lets go for a ride together soon. All my love, Stacy.
Wow…pretty amazing. I…after many years seem to be going through a similar process. You articulated it so well. I am learning after 29 years and even more that I am sick of always being afraid of drawing outside of the lines. Remember what I said about being cool? What the hell is the worst that can happen? I am in the middle of an inventory and a lifelong fear is raising it’s ugly head. Thanks for sharing this, and thanks for sharing the other night.
Thank you for sharing your fear and thank you for your kind words. Coloring outside the lines is so much more fun! It was great to see you as well. -Stacy
Thanks for sharing. I too used to think that I was brutally honest too… Turns out I was just being mean, acting out because of my personal pain over being put up for adoption… My quest for my truth started in 1997 and it seems it’s kinda like an onion… The more honest I became, the more I realized that my perception was a liar and I still had work to do. 20 years later I am comfortable in my own skin, and I still question my perception and it keeps me humble… (And hopefully teachable;) I read your posts and I thank you for honesty, courage and your strength….. It gives me hope for myself…
Thank you for sharing your truth. I value humility, honesty, vulnerability. It represents strength, courage and inspiration. The more we share what’s real inside our hearts, what’s “really” going on, the safer we make it for others to do the same. Thank you, thank you all for your posts.
I fucking love this, and you. You are one of my most treasured friends, even though I don’t see you often, the connection is always there. Thank you for sharing this, it’s right where I am at right now, I am a liar too. I am struggling to tell the truth. Evasive I don’t want to be mean. So instead I suffer. I needed to hear this and hope to gain the same strength that you have through this process.
Not *evasive because
Yes, connection, it has always been there. You are such a beautiful, strong, spiritual woman. I admire you. Being honest isn’t mean, it’s taking care of yourself. The first lesson I learned was to take care of myself even if the other person may feel, “rejected, hurt, disappointed or angry”. It doesn’t mean I’m actually “rejecting” them or the like. I’m simply choosing to take care of me. I’m choosing to no longer be co-dependent. I love you.
Stacey,
Thank you for sharing some deep and real feelings and experiences. Your courage and walking in spirit has always been an inspiration to me. Our lives have somehow paralleled over the years. As I sit here and reflect what a month it’s been. The recent courages decision I had to make, because I got honest and truthful with myself. I have graduated to the next journey whatever Creator has in store for me. In the world people may see a single divorced women, but in spirit I walk with my guardian angels and my beautiful Rio. The freedom of spirit and belief in myself, keeps my moccasins on this Red Road and as a beautiful Warrior also!
I love you beautiful and thank you for your blog.
Lupe
Yes, you are a beautiful Warrior and I am grateful to be journeying alongside you. Thank you for your kind words and lets go for a ride together soon. All my love, Stacy.
You are courageous
Wow…pretty amazing. I…after many years seem to be going through a similar process. You articulated it so well. I am learning after 29 years and even more that I am sick of always being afraid of drawing outside of the lines. Remember what I said about being cool? What the hell is the worst that can happen? I am in the middle of an inventory and a lifelong fear is raising it’s ugly head. Thanks for sharing this, and thanks for sharing the other night.
Thank you for sharing your fear and thank you for your kind words. Coloring outside the lines is so much more fun! It was great to see you as well. -Stacy
Keep speaking your truth, babe. Very powerful blog.
<3
xxx
Hi Karen, Thank you so much for your kind words. I will do exactly that! All my love. Stacy